Can't understand your teen's behavior? Psychologists offer some advice

Slamming doors, tantrums, sudden crying, and one-sided conversations at the dinner table. If these events are common in your home, you are probably raising a teenager.

Teenagers are often seen as arrogant and not having much control over their emotions. While many parents may see this as unnecessary worry or rebellion, these could be signs that your child is suffering from anxiety.

“It’s so overwhelming and powerful that you feel like you’re caught in the storm,” said Natasha Réard, a clinical psychology lecturer and director of the Psychology Clinic at James Cook University in Singapore. “Your mind and body are overwhelmed by anxiety.”

“The person with anxiety wants to stop, and the parent watching wants to stop. But once a panic attack starts, it’s like a train that has left the station, and it won’t stop until it reaches the next station. The journey between those stations is the experience of the attack,” Reard explains.

Psychologists say parents may not always know how to help their children when they are feeling anxious or about to have an anxiety attack, and that methods that worked in the past may no longer be helpful as teens face new challenges.

Here's how parents can better recognize signs of anxiety in their children — and tips for helping their little ones.

Regardless of age, people who are anxious will have a fight, flight, freeze or fend off response to stressful situations, according to psychologists.

The most common reactions, they told CNBC, are flight and freeze, where the person shows signs of panic and starts crying or shaking, or even freezing and detaching from the situation by going silent and shutting down.

“When you have a panic attack, you may feel very frightened about what is happening to you,” warns Eli Leibovitz, co-director of the Anxiety and Mood Disorders Program at the Yale Child Study Center. “There may be a shift in the way you perceive reality, and it can be a very frightening experience.”

Like adults, teens also have a fight-or-flight response when they feel anxious, which is often misinterpreted as tantrums or acting out.

“Parents need to think about the meaning of their children slamming doors and screaming. Could they be worried about something?” said Reard, emphasizing that this is just another expression of anxiety.

Psychologists said they have also observed children experiencing a deer reaction, where they suffer from “high-functioning” anxiety and are able to continue their daily routine despite being in poor mental health.

“Young people often avoid showing their emotions and do their best to appear as though everything is okay by appearing busy in chaotic situations. What you see on their face or behaviour may not be what is actually happening,” explains Lisa Colloca, psychologist and director of Bloom Psychology Group and Bloom Community in Melbourne.

Some signs parents should look out for include shortness of breath, stiffness and skin discoloration, said Yale's Leibowitz. While an anxiety attack may seem scary and uncontrollable, it's not dangerous and parents shouldn't “panic,” he added.

1. Validate their feelings.

Experts point out that parents often make the mistake of downplaying the challenges their children face and the emotions they feel — sometimes even ignoring them.

“Stop using your adult mind to solve your teen’s problem. Telling them ‘everything will be okay’ won’t help because they don’t feel okay in that moment,” says Michelle Savage, a psychologist and director of Bloom Psychology Group and Bloom Community.

When children come to their parents to express their concerns, reassurance is not always the answer.

“From a parent’s perspective, we want to protect our children from pain. But the alternative is to see it as a motivation to allow your child to express their feelings and concerns and to listen to them,” said James Cook’s Reard.

Parents should also keep in mind that children don't always want advice, but often just want to feel seen and heard.

“Verifying that your child has anxiety won’t make him more anxious. It will make him feel understood and will make him more likely to talk to you about it in the future, too,” says Yale’s Leibowitz, who is also the author of “Freeing Your Child from Anxiety and OCD.”

“Parents should try to communicate messages to their children that combine acceptance and validation of the child’s fear or real distress, along with confidence in the child’s ability to deal with that distress,” he added, explaining that this would help build trust and gradually reduce the child’s dependence on parents.

2. Share your personal experiences.

When a child or teen is feeling anxious, it is often helpful to know that he or she is not alone.

Sharing personal stories about experiencing similar situations will help them realize that it is possible to overcome the difficulties they face.

“Parents need to normalize this and talk about their internal dialogue about anxiety as well, while being open and non-threatening,” Savage suggested.

For example, sharing that you're anxious about your slides for a big presentation at work, but reassuring yourself that you did your best, will help a child feel seen and heard.

“It’s very difficult to teach your child how to regulate and deal with all of their emotions. If you can’t do it yourself, be willing to talk about your feelings, not just the positive ones,” says Lebowitz. “And start early—don’t wait until your child is 15 to start doing this.”

Psychologists who spoke to CNBC also stressed that parents should not share “big, inappropriate” issues with their children, such as financial struggles or marital challenges.

3. Timing is everything.

When a child is feeling anxious or in the middle of an anxiety attack, the last thing they need to hear is advice on how to fix it.

“Don't expect your child to be able to talk about it when they're in the grip of really intense anxiety. You have to give them some time to calm down,” suggested Yale's Leibowitz.

Conversations about how to better manage emotions should not happen during anxious moments, but before. Psychologists also recommend giving your child space, and letting them know that you are there for them if they need to reach out, which can also help.

“We often put a lot of pressure on children to regulate themselves and use psychological strategies to help themselves. But in those moments, children and young people really need adults to regulate themselves with them,” said Riard, explaining that parents can help their children become aware of their thoughts and emotions and how they influence their behaviors.

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